I think one of the most challenging workshops we could ever sign up for—metaphorically speaking—is learning how to care less about what other people think of us. As humans, we’re wired to be vulnerable. Most of us crave belonging and acceptance for exactly who we are, yet we constantly make accommodations for others in hopes of earning that acceptance.
The wild part? Most of the time, those adjustments happen on autopilot. We don’t even realize that by editing ourselves, we’re quietly sending the message: I disapprove of me.
That thought has been bouncing around in my head a lot lately as I’ve been exploring how this ties into self-love.
On the outside, I’m a confident human being—sometimes even a wee bit of a smart-ass. To most people, I probably look like I’ve got my shit together. And honestly, for the most part, I do. But then there are those moments when I catch myself questioning my self-worth—not by openly doubting myself, but in more subtle ways. Like when I tone down a reaction, change a behavior, or withhold an opinion just to keep someone else comfortable or avoid conflict.
Sure, I could justify those choices by saying I’m “keeping the peace” or “helping someone feel good about themselves.” But at what point does that stop being a selfless act and start becoming self-deprecation?
Case in point: I recently ended a long relationship with a man who loved to correct me or challenge me on a regular basis. If I explained myself, he’d accuse me of being defensive—and an argument would ensue. If I stayed quiet to avoid the fight, he’d say I was being inauthentic by omission—and an argument would ensue. Sometimes I’d even try the “touchy-feely” route, explaining my feelings in the gentlest way possible. But nope. That would trigger a mansplaining session where he’d tell me I was expressing myself the wrong way—and, you guessed it, an argument would ensue.
Fortunately, I’m no longer in that relationship. But I did walk away with a shiny new vocabulary: projection, gaslighting, narcissism. Great dinner party material, if nothing else.
The real lesson, though, is this: you have to be your own biggest fan. Be open to growth, sure—but be wary of anyone who constantly tries to reshape you. And if you ever find yourself face-to-face with a self-proclaimed genius who insists nothing you say or do is right, channel your inner playground wisdom:
“I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
To be continued…
Brilliant! Honest, thoughtful and well spoken. Perfect use of playground wisdom; which is wiser than anyone knew!
Loving your essays. I also have been thinking about how one's self worth is verified by the world and to a greater sense by ourselves, when we are coupled up with someone. It is almost as if we need to be loved and liked by another in order to be confirmed as valuable. After coming out of a 25 year marriage and being single for several years, I have been questioning the origin of my desire for finding another partner. There is great freedom in just valuing yourself as a powerful, important, self-sustaining individual and not needing another as a mirror for that confirmation. Dating out of preference rather than need can save all of us from added heart ache in our lives. You are on a wonderful, new path...you go girl!