Menopausal Snipers

Sneaky Symptoms We Didn't Expect

When a woman reaches a certain age, she achieves the honor of completing her cycle of fertility. Almost like an award ceremony, celebrating all the years she dutifully endured menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, and all the exciting parts of womanhood. But this honor is not commemorated by a shiny medal or badge of honor. No… it’s more like a ticket to a roller-coaster ride full of unknown twists and turns. Of course, I am referring to the infamous stage of life known as menopause.

With menopause comes a whole host of new challenges that make a monthly period look like a walk through the park with a latte and croissant. With this new phase of womanhood, the unwitting participant gets a glimpse of what it might be like to star in a science-fiction movie.

As the character unfolds, she may become a shapeshifter, develop multiple personalities, and literally combust into a puddle of sweat with no notice at all. From weight gain to mood swings and everything in between, our heroine tries to combat the evil forces with artillery made up of hormones, antidepressants, supplements, and wine. And even with the best-laid strategies of attack, sometimes the enemy is just… unbeatable.

The symptoms of menopause, our villain in this story, are vast. And until you are actually in its captivity, you have no idea just how truly complex it is. We’re given some warning from doctors, literature, and our fellow cast members, but because symptoms vary from woman to woman, it’s nearly impossible to be truly prepared.

For me, perimenopause and menopause thus far haven’t been horrible. The mood swings aren’t much different than other days of feeling overwhelmed or bitchy. I didn’t gain an unmanageable amount of weight, and the hot flashes—which I affectionately refer to as power surges—have lessened and were short-lived.

But it’s the sneaky little symptoms that frustrate me the most.

These menopausal snipers that no one warned me about are sneaky buggers that don’t feel like they belong to the same regime as the other villains. So when they show up, you assume you’re the only one who has ever felt this way and therefore must have something terribly wrong with you.

Brain Fog
Entirely forgetting the reason you entered a room. Opening the refrigerator to grab a fork. The assumption: early dementia or stupidity.
The probable actual cause: fluctuating estrogen messing with your neurotransmitters.
Rude.

Anxiety
You walk out of the house feeling fine and then suddenly your heart starts to race and you can’t figure out why. Is there a goblin in your car waiting to eat you? Not likely… but I don’t know where you live.
What’s more likely is your hormone shifts are revving up your nervous system like a kitten on speed.

Dryness
The Sahara Desert has taken up residence in your body. Your skin, eyes, mouth, and lady parts—all as dry as a saltine cracker.
Load up on moisturizer and drink your fluids; it can’t hurt. But the likely cause is low estrogen.

Joint Pain
Sure, achy joints can be part of aging. But when your knees sound like bubble wrap and your shoulders hold a grudge, it may once again be your dearly departed estrogen.

Sleep Problems
You fall asleep without trouble but find yourself staring at the ceiling at 2:56 a.m., wide awake.
While you may just be an overachiever who wants to solve world affairs before anyone else wakes up, most of us aren’t. We want sleep.
Once again, we have that bitch estrogen to thank for it. When in abundance, it regulates serotonin, melatonin, circadian rhythm, and body temperature.
And progesterone—another fair-weather friend during menopause—calms the nervous system, reduces anxiety, and can act like a built-in Xanax.
When both are lacking, there aren’t enough fans or cooling sheets in the world to get you to a restful sleep.

Loss of Libido
I had heard about this fun little fact from older friends over the years but always figured they were using it as an excuse not to have sex with their husbands.
Lo and behold, they were preaching the truth.
The libido has left the building carrying a suitcase stuffed with your testosterone (yes, this is also a female hormone) along with more of your estrogen—your woo-hoo’s best friend.

This new phase of womanhood isn’t just a physical transition. It’s emotional. It’s neurological. And it can make you feel like you’ve shape-shifted into a brand-new identity without your consent.

The frustration can be maddening, especially when you feel like you’re the only one going through it. While there are obviously ways to alleviate symptoms and recreate balance, the path can be bumpy and humbling at times.

But here’s the thing: we are still in here.

It may be a version of us under renovation—walls torn down, plumbing questionable, hormones on backorder—but the foundation is still solid. We are still funny. Still smart. Still fierce. Still worthy of great sleep, good sex, and a body that doesn’t sound like a bag of microwave popcorn.

So to my fellow menopausal warriors dodging invisible snipers and wondering if you’re losing your mind: you’re not broken. You’re just upgrading your operating system.

And yes… the reboot is taking longer than expected. But WE. GOT. THIS.

To be continued…